To argue against one's self

Since I am actually against acts contributing to global warming, for the purpose of this post, I will be arguing against the before-mentioned. Playing the part of my smart-ass, conservative father, here are my views supporting global warming:

(read: southern accent)

Who will need a beach house in Florida when year-round summer is just years away?! And all them pretty girls will save an ass load of money on those cancer boxes! This global warming deal is clearly win-win. You see, these left wing brain-washers are trying to take away our freedom to drive tractor trailers and keep those 'skeeters at bay with aerosol cans. I can't even tell ya who's slim enough to fit in one of them smart cars, that just ain't healthy. Those are communist cars you know. Hitler himself designed them and sold them to Castro right before he passed. They've got little radios in them stuck on that damn CNÑ. All the Cubans went crazy from it and that's why they keep drowning themselves in the ocean. I hear all this shit-talk about saving the penguins but they don't give a rat's ass about their own southern comi neighbors, some humanitarians right?

There's a little thing I like to call streamlining. Now it ain't pretty for everyone involved but it's a proven business technique. You just let-go all of the workin' folks that are holding your business back and, yeah a few tears hit the dirt but, the company runs more efficiently after. Global warming will do just that for the United States. Once those socialist, Obama-loving, states like New York and California join the little mermaid under the sea, we can get back to what true America is all about. Sweaty white folk in big trucks. That's the America I'll fight to preserve. And that's why I will stay strong in my stance for global warming.