My "How To Lose Friends and Alienate People"

While I'm not the least friendly person on the planet, I am certainly in no competition for Miss Congeniality. Being as motivated and goal-oriented as I am (not), I give all (some) my energy to my specific focus. This sticks true to my life-long goal of having the least number of friends as possible while remaining high enough on the social totem pole to be above those who go to Panera alone to read the Twilight Saga.

(I'm still recovering socially from that period in my life. I actually drove to Panera, walked in, and realized how obviously inappropriate it was to be this publicly friendless. So I walked across the street to Barnes and Noble and purchased my very own copy of the literary novel "Twilight". At least I figured I'd look an academic this way.)

Having friends is really a tricky sitch. They are whiney, needy, and ask too many personal questions like "What shampoo do you use?" Who gives two shits about my shower habits?! Pervs. Get your heads out of my bathroom, please. Now, to help you all eradicate these life-suckers from your "friends list" I'll share with you my fool-proof system of how to be a completely unattractive possible conversationalist while severing ties with all existing people who care slightly about your well-being.

Let's get started.

1. The earmuffs. I wear giant blue head phones over my ears whenever I leave my room. They are usually plugged into nothing. This does three things for you. First, you appear hipster enough for people to avoid direct gazes. Second, the obvious appearance of the head phones signifies you are unable and uninterested in any sort of commentary. This will give you the ability to ignore all requests for you to pass the salt at the dinner table. Next, if one chooses to look closer to see the dangling cord you're tripping over, and realizes you can hear them and are actually ignoring them purposely, you will look like an even bigger asshole. (Gold star for you!)

2. The shades. Sunglasses are worn for as long as possible throughout the day. I will wear them outside, inside, in the rain, while eating, up until the sun has been down for one hour. Working in more or less the same manner as the headphones, sunglasses will make you seem less approachable.

3. The head-nod. You must greet all people, even friends of yours, with only a slight nod of your head. Your friend will approach you asking numerous annoying questions ranging from "how are you?" to "whatcha up to?". When you shoot down their conversation opener with a simple head-nod, over time your friend will be discouraged enough to cease all attempts.

4. The walk-by. To show all your friends that they are of no interest to you at all, you must apply the "walk-by" tactic to your archive. You find a room where all your friends are gathered, the TV room works well, and you walk through it without showing that you give any notice what-so-ever to those who are in attendance. Passing by without so much as a greeting will most certainly show your superiority and thereby obviously sending the message to your friends that they are of no interest to you.

Following these four simple rules are golden keys to success. With this knowledge you have the perfect tools to "lose your friends and alienate people".