To argue against one's self

Since I am actually against acts contributing to global warming, for the purpose of this post, I will be arguing against the before-mentioned. Playing the part of my smart-ass, conservative father, here are my views supporting global warming:

(read: southern accent)

Who will need a beach house in Florida when year-round summer is just years away?! And all them pretty girls will save an ass load of money on those cancer boxes! This global warming deal is clearly win-win. You see, these left wing brain-washers are trying to take away our freedom to drive tractor trailers and keep those 'skeeters at bay with aerosol cans. I can't even tell ya who's slim enough to fit in one of them smart cars, that just ain't healthy. Those are communist cars you know. Hitler himself designed them and sold them to Castro right before he passed. They've got little radios in them stuck on that damn CNÑ. All the Cubans went crazy from it and that's why they keep drowning themselves in the ocean. I hear all this shit-talk about saving the penguins but they don't give a rat's ass about their own southern comi neighbors, some humanitarians right?

There's a little thing I like to call streamlining. Now it ain't pretty for everyone involved but it's a proven business technique. You just let-go all of the workin' folks that are holding your business back and, yeah a few tears hit the dirt but, the company runs more efficiently after. Global warming will do just that for the United States. Once those socialist, Obama-loving, states like New York and California join the little mermaid under the sea, we can get back to what true America is all about. Sweaty white folk in big trucks. That's the America I'll fight to preserve. And that's why I will stay strong in my stance for global warming.

Here's to the crazy ones

People put so much effort into fitting in that everyone forgets to stand out. We weren't born to assimilate the way we do, that is something we've been taught. This teaching starts day one of our lives; when a little girl is wrapped in pink and a little boy in blue. Girls are given dolls and boys are given trucks. We are handed scripts to live out and it takes little convincing until we are more than happy to do just that. Whatever happened to the days when the box held more hours of fun than the toy inside? Do parents realize when they make their child change out of his superman outfit and into his school clothes that he is learning? He is learning that he must wear certain clothes to be acceptable, that when he is not in the clothes that the other kids are wearing he is not fit to attend school.  And then they wonder why ten years later their daughter insists on wearing a $100 pair of jeans... or why she bullied an old friend who wore last season's shoes.

So who's going to stand up against society? Who is going to compliment the kid with the mohawk or cheer on the anime club? Who will encourage people to break the rules and make their own? Anyone? Bueller... Bueller...

I don't know that people ever will. At least not enough to make a real change. But maybe that's the point. What's a rule-breaker without a rule to break? Or rebel with no force to rebel against? Maybe society is set up this way to see who the real geniuses are, the ones who can see what they aren't being shown. Everyone has the potential to be creative, but it takes more than potential to make it in the creative world. You've got to put yourself out there, you've got to be willing to fail over and over again, you've got to be ridiculed, you've got to accept the disapproval of others. The ones who make it through that, the ones who spend their whole lives being their own biggest fan, the ones that do what it takes without fear of consequence, those are the crazy ones.

Dear blank, Please blank

Dear John Deer,

Your tractor is not that sexy.

Sincerely,
Then Penguins
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Dear Chick-fil-a cows,

You don't see us in McDonalds commercials. I thought we were all in this together. Backstabbers.

Sincerely,
Chickens
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Dear kid with a magnifying glass,

This is called an ant farm, not a slaughter house.

Sincerely,
Ants
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Dear PETA,

How'd ya get that blood? We say spare us and let them wear the mink.

Sincerely,
Pigs
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Dear Hipsters,

Thanks for bringing graphic sweaters back.

Sincerely,
Bill Cosby
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Dear cheerleaders,

When your bow is smaller than your head you can join the club.

Sincerely,
Athletes
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Dear Bento,

You just named your restaurant "lunchbox".

Sincerely,
The Japanese Language
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Dear calories,

Please stop shrinking my clothes while I sleep.

Sincerely,
Girl
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Dear Frat Pledge,

See you in eight weeks.

Sincerely,
Your pride
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Dear FedEx,

Place the package in the shade.

Sincerely,
The Gingers
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Dear Columbus,

Thanks for "discovering" us.

Sincerely,
The Natives
-----------------------

Dear drunkass,

See you later.

Sincerely,
Your dinner

Stumble Upon Inspiration

I drew something from of every image that I "stumbled" upon.

What makes gay marriage so "gay"?

Today, I went and had a really pleasant "straight" lunch. The parking lot was pretty packed but I managed to park my car, "straightly" of course. I walked "straight" in and ordered my sandwich "straight" with a coke "straight" up.

Please.

I don't understand what makes gay marriage so "gay" that it requires the addition of "gay" to regular marriage. We use the word marriage in multiple contexts without adding prefixes. Music and lyrics are married in the creation of a song, they are just married not musically married. Glue marries two pieces of paper together, they are just married not stickily married. So why can't two people of the same sex be married and not just "gay" married?

The goal isn't to give gays equal rights, it's to make gays equals. A person is a person and that's that. When we put people in categories a hierarchy is created. But when all people remain on the same playing field, labeled "the human race", who's to say the differences between each person grants them more or less access to their rights?

Don't ask don't tell? More like don't ask because it doesn't matter. I don't seek my identity in my sexual orientation, and my brothers don't either. I'm tired of people being separated from society once they are open about who they are and who they love. Separate is not equal. I'm sorry, but did we not already cover this issue a few decades back? How many times do people have to be oppressed for us to learn this same fucking lesson? Dammit conservatives! Get your noses out of the church's ass long enough to smell the rose that is real life! It's quite refreshing out here in the world, please come join us.

You might as well be deaf.

You might as well be deaf. Some might say that is true for most any student who is bored by school classrooms, but it is especially true for those who don't speak the same language.

For a news package I am working on, I have interviewed high school students who do not speak english. I was volunteering at a local high school when I noticed a couple students in the back of the classroom who kept silent. At first I didn't think much of them, as I was never the type to speak up in class myself. But soon I noticed that they were actually paying close attention but to the actions of other students and not to the instruction given to them by the teacher. These students would stare blankly at their desks until they heard some sort of action which would cause them to look around the room. It wasn't until then that they would mock the action of the other students, whether it would be to open a book, stand in line at the door, or start to write.

After that class I asked the teacher about the students' behavior. She told me they were not english speakers and didn't understand anything she was saying. My question is, why the hell are these kids in this class? The teacher ignores them because she doesn't speak spanish and can't answer their questions or give them instructions. These poor kids just sit there and do absolutely nothing. I approached one boy and, in spanish, asked him about the class. He couldn't even tell me what subject he was taking. He opened up to me, explaining how he basically felt like an idiot sitting like a dumbass in that classroom where he tried his best not to appear out of place. I don't know how our education system which isn't supposed to be leaving any child behind (thanks Babs) is allowing these kids to gain nothing out of their education.

How do we solve this? Teach these kids some damn english! They get all their core classes in their native language but take non-core classes in english. Why not teach them their basic english and then teach them all courses in english? I studied in South America and went with a very basic understanding of the language. After being thrown in real college classes with spanish speaking students and professors, I became proficient  very quickly once my grades were put on the line. If I had been spoken to in english I would have never learned any more than how to order a beer. You learn what you need to and really nothing more. You put the kid's well-being on the line and they will learn real fast, because they won't have much of a choice. We've got to give these kids a little help here, not just babysit them. That's how we create productive citizens. And isn't that our goal?

My "How To Lose Friends and Alienate People"

While I'm not the least friendly person on the planet, I am certainly in no competition for Miss Congeniality. Being as motivated and goal-oriented as I am (not), I give all (some) my energy to my specific focus. This sticks true to my life-long goal of having the least number of friends as possible while remaining high enough on the social totem pole to be above those who go to Panera alone to read the Twilight Saga.

(I'm still recovering socially from that period in my life. I actually drove to Panera, walked in, and realized how obviously inappropriate it was to be this publicly friendless. So I walked across the street to Barnes and Noble and purchased my very own copy of the literary novel "Twilight". At least I figured I'd look an academic this way.)

Having friends is really a tricky sitch. They are whiney, needy, and ask too many personal questions like "What shampoo do you use?" Who gives two shits about my shower habits?! Pervs. Get your heads out of my bathroom, please. Now, to help you all eradicate these life-suckers from your "friends list" I'll share with you my fool-proof system of how to be a completely unattractive possible conversationalist while severing ties with all existing people who care slightly about your well-being.

Let's get started.

1. The earmuffs. I wear giant blue head phones over my ears whenever I leave my room. They are usually plugged into nothing. This does three things for you. First, you appear hipster enough for people to avoid direct gazes. Second, the obvious appearance of the head phones signifies you are unable and uninterested in any sort of commentary. This will give you the ability to ignore all requests for you to pass the salt at the dinner table. Next, if one chooses to look closer to see the dangling cord you're tripping over, and realizes you can hear them and are actually ignoring them purposely, you will look like an even bigger asshole. (Gold star for you!)

2. The shades. Sunglasses are worn for as long as possible throughout the day. I will wear them outside, inside, in the rain, while eating, up until the sun has been down for one hour. Working in more or less the same manner as the headphones, sunglasses will make you seem less approachable.

3. The head-nod. You must greet all people, even friends of yours, with only a slight nod of your head. Your friend will approach you asking numerous annoying questions ranging from "how are you?" to "whatcha up to?". When you shoot down their conversation opener with a simple head-nod, over time your friend will be discouraged enough to cease all attempts.

4. The walk-by. To show all your friends that they are of no interest to you at all, you must apply the "walk-by" tactic to your archive. You find a room where all your friends are gathered, the TV room works well, and you walk through it without showing that you give any notice what-so-ever to those who are in attendance. Passing by without so much as a greeting will most certainly show your superiority and thereby obviously sending the message to your friends that they are of no interest to you.

Following these four simple rules are golden keys to success. With this knowledge you have the perfect tools to "lose your friends and alienate people".